Sunday, January 02, 2005
i can't stop asking this question. don;t know why. one thing i can really be sure about is that i really learnt alot during the stay in india. did alot of thinking. experienced and learnt alot. been reading the blogs of my friends since i came back. netball friends especially. well, can't help feeling detached from everything since it had been a long time since i talk or even meet up with them. have no one but myself to blame. very often, i ask myself if i will even go back and play again. seriously, i don't know. the motivation to go back is decreasing by the day. the people were once the only motivation that i had but now, i don't know. nothing left but memories. and i don;t think i can fit into their lives again. i don;t know. maybe i am thinking too much. see how things go lo life is pretty good for me now. i really enjoyed the trip to sikkim. alot alot. love travelling to the bits to meet new people. see and learn new things. forged new relationships with people whom i never thought i will meet. but i just can't stop thinking about netball. maybe i am thinking too much. don't know. teaching practice is starting soon. i will be too busy to think about such things and it will just drag on.
sometimes i get really worried to meet up with old friends and hear them say things like " you've change." it kinds of scare me. i don;t know if i change for the better or wat. i think i am scare to lose them whom i know are very important people in my life. i miss you guys so much but i am to scare to meet up. too scare to face reality and the consequences of my decision to take a break from netball. i am a coward now. too lousy and scare to take the risk of knowing that i am already out of your mind and our paths will never cross again. if it is really true, i really don;t want to face the reality cause in my mind, the memories of us is still so fresh and real. as if it was only yesterday that we fought the battle together on court. no matter what is the result of the game, i just enjoy the feeling to be with everybody. whatever it is, i really wish everyone well in whatever you all are doing now. netball and life. all the best for those who made it to the open team for asian champs. doubt i will see any of your anytime soon. whatever it is, take care.
i am trying so hard to find the courage to treasure the memories but i know i have to move on.
i made it known at 1:59 AM
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