Sunday, October 17, 2004
currently readingl: prozac nation ( young and depressed in america)
by elizabeth wurtzel
a story about a girl n how she overcome depression.
i hate myself and i want to die.
i feel like a defective model, like i came off the assembly line flat-out fucked and my parents should have taken me back for repairs before the warranty ran ot.
i start to think that there is no cure for depression, that happiness is an ongoing battle, and i wonder if itsn't one i'll have to fight for as long as i live. i wonder if it's worth it.
i start to feel like i can't maintain the facade any longer, that i may just show through. and i wish i knew what was wrong.
i am pertified in my dream and i am pertirfied in reality because it is as if my dream is reality and i am having a nervous breakdown and i have nowhere to run.
my friends, they have their own lives. while they like to talk everything though, to analyse and hypothesize, what i really need, when i'm really looking for, is not something i can articulate. it's nonverbal: i need love. i need the thing thta happens when your brain shuts off and your heart turns on. and i know it's around me somewhere, but i just can't feel it.
i'm sure that i have nowhere to run, that i can't even walk anywhere without tripping and falling way down, and i know i want out of this mess. i want out. no one will ever love me, i will live and die alone, i will go nowhere fast, i will be nothing at all. nothing will work out. the promise that on the other side of depression lies a beautiful life, one worth surviving suicide for, will have turned out wrong. it will be a big dupe.
i know that into every sunny life a little rain must fall and all that, but in my case the crisis-level hysteria is an all-too-recurring theme. the voices in my head, which i used to think were just passing through, seem to have taken residence.
so real. so vivid. as if all this just happen to me yesterday. this book just brought back all the memories. everything started on the first day of sch in nj. its like how u will feel after u wake up from a nightmare. but if you fall asleep again, you might get that same nightmare again. it just haunt u. i messaged my counsellor, jessie after that. sitting at the bus stop along orchard road, i just cant stop my tears from flowing as the memories flashed though. yesterday was the first time i really thanked her for all the support n help she gave me when i felt that i was going to fight it alone. i thanked her for stopping me from taking that step to leave this world when i thought that death was the only solution to the end of all. sadly, i cant tell her i have fully recovered, that im perfectly fine now. coz i know, it will come knocking at my door when i least expect it. its like a cycle. but this is for the first time, i can say, that im in control. i know what to do. happiness and depression will always be ongoing battles for me, but life's a fight. at the end of the day, i know, nothing can stop me from living the life that i want. i know, i will emerge victoriously. and i deserve to be happy. im worth it.
julian says stuff like, happiness is a choice, you've got to work toward it. he says it like it's an insight or something.
he says, you've to believe it.
he says, come on! cheer up! pull yourself together!
i can't believe how trite all this is. for a moment i want to step out of myself so i can teach him some better interpersonal skills, so i can help him learn to sound a little more sensitive, more empathetic it is.
if you have a friend whom u suspect is suffering from depression,don't be like julian. it wont make this things any better. stop uttering all this crap. how i wish dat its as easy as it seems. sometimes a hug is all that really matters. at least to me.
thank you jessie. thank you pretty 4. thanx you to my tk n nj netballers. thanx you to those who gave me support when i needed it most. i will survive =)
i made it known at 6:27 PM
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